IMHO, a lot of young pastors (I was one) are naively misguided with the best of intentions. We want to help people. We want to bring to them God’s compassion. Unfortunately, the counseling process is often the opposite of God’s call on us. I don’t do counseling. In fact, I’ve never met a lead or senior pastor who is both 1) in a growing church and 2) any good at counseling.
A large component of our congregation is in recovery of some sort or another: From addictions or abuse, both active and passive (Active meaning they willfully initiated it – alcoholism, substance, gambling, porn; Passive meaning they were afflicted by someone else – sexually, physically, financially, relationally, etc.).
When people ask me if I will counsel them, I explain “I am a triage specialist, not a therapist”. I will then apply the Four Sentence/30-second Rule, and will give them a referral to the appropriate professional people.
If I determine it isn’t counseling but coaching, I’ll meet with them again, but with expectations. Life coaching is a collaborative process in which the coach looks at the player’s attitudes, behaviors and actions directly and gives direction from an outside point of view. He’s not so concerned with how they feel about something as what they do about it. Feeling follows behavior. Let’s work the right behaviors first. If you can’t punch through the feelings to make right choices, well, no one can help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves - and that's why I'm no occupational threat to counselors. I will coach someone for as long as they are making an effort, but I will refer a counselee to a professional counselor.
A specific question follows the process: "How do I know if the player being coached is seriously making an effort at it?" One simple test: Each brief meeting with them gives them three to five things to work on for the next week. I ask them to, within 24 hours, email me what was on that list (as well as to remind me anything else I told them I would provide). I log it into my iPhone to send them a note 48 hours after the meeting if I still have not received their to-do list. Unless there is a really good reason, if I have not heard from them within 72-hours of our meeting, I’m done. If it’s important enough to merit my time, it’s important enough to merit theirs as well.
